Saturday, November 8, 2008

Dear Red States ...

Pete, one of my far-flung correspondents, passed along this bit of wit that is making the rounds of the blogosphere. I post it in case you haven't seen it.

Dear Red States:

We've decided: We're leaving.

We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, this includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Pennsylvania and all the Northeast states. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation – especially to the people of the new country of New California.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches; you get textbooks saying dinosaurs walked the earth 8,000 years ago. We get the Statue of Liberty; you get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get Harvard; you get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama. We get Jon Stewart; you get Pat Buchanan. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than states in the Christian Coalition's power base, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we want all of our citizens back from Iraq. Right now. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We wish you success in Iraq but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the fresh fruit, 95% of quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the low-sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

On the other hand, the Red States will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We also get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you, and hope you don’t totally ruin the Grand Canyon with the uranium mining Dubya is set to allow.

It will be interesting to see the society you create since 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing war, the death penalty or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11; and 61% of you believe you have higher morals then we do.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

The Blue States

January Can't Come Soon Enough

One sunny day in late January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench next to the statue of Andrew Jackson. He approached a US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

Again, the Marine told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House gate and spoke to the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Yes Sir! See you tomorrow, Sir."